When the dream of freedom becomes a prison
Based on my experience at a yoga retreat in Spain, I explain what freedom means to me. Here you can read again the back story of how it came about.
Thought that only existed in the movies. Maybe I should make a soap after all. My friends have been asking for it for a long time. Call me, because with me there is always something exciting to learn. Currently, I am telling this story. If a story is good, does it have to be true? It is true, so it does not have to be good.
When the dream becomes a nightmare or when miracles become wounds.
Last year I wrote about miracles when I received a call and an invitation to Málaga. Told you about my miracle when the phone rang and I got an invitation to Spain.
Today I tell you how the miracle became small wounds. Like shear wounds that hurt like hell, even if they are barely visible. How the dream of freedom became a feeling of captivity.
Now that would please the copywriter we hired for a lot of money. Beautiful, striking. Really rub into the wound.
The question I kept asking myself:
What good is a golden lock if you don’t feel free inside? What good is all the gold if you don’t feel rich inside?
Everything was there on the outside.
Inside was emptiness.
A place that looks so beautiful, that invites you to linger – until lingering becomes a while, two ways, three ways, four ways. We had so much to do. But always time for “more important” things. Important in the eye of the beholder.
Everything had to be perfect, but it could never be perfect enough.
The universe sent me signs to be careful:
- My dog Mio who is bitten by the dog and survives after two surgeries.
- My car getting away with a scratch and dent.
- My friend Domi, who says goodbye with her head held high.
- My friend Theo, who keeps warning me and wondering where we have ended up here. Assured his mom on the phone, it’s not a cult. That’s right, there was no champagne.
*The order of events here was chosen arbitrarily.
However, remembering the Tarot card, “You are in the right place.” What did she want to tell me? In the right place for the yoga retreat at the time!? In the right place to grow? To be patient? To cultivate understanding, compassion? To have a (life) experience? To experience what freedom really means?
I made those and put a lot of thought into them:
What do I want in life?
Who do I want to be?
How do I want to be?
Do I want to have a dog and then not have time to walk it?
Do I want to have employees to make money off their lives?
Do I want to be in the pursuit of not being able to enjoy the present moment at all?
Do I want to earn money with every straw so that I don’t have to feel my inner lack?
It opened my eyes. I was looking for the truth. I called my dad and asked him the question, “What is the truth?”
What is facade and what is real? Who plays only one game? Who is a victim and who becomes a perpetrator? Help was also immediately there and we were already in the drama triangle of the conflict. Was shot with words. Hit right in the heart. But the heart is anahata, unharmed within.
Free at last, cried Domi’s soul. How I would have loved to ride along. Domi, my friend who was in the same place, was the first to break free from the invisible shackles of the place and the owners.
My soul cried out for freedom.
Freedom not only to break out of the golden castle, but also for freedom of thought.
But Germany cold. The fear, the uncertainty. The dream that bursts like a soap bubble. Ah yes, soaps. We still made those, too.
What do we learn from this?
Intuition! Yes, I felt them. Not just once, twice, three times. Trust your intuition! It didn’t feel real. Not from the heart. The words chosen, but not felt. The devil with the smile on his face. With assistance, Mephistopheles. Reminder 12th grade. That was a different theater.
When someone asked me where I was going for the winter: “We’re going to Spain for the winter and then we’ll see.” As if it was already planned, anticipated.
Then the crowning glory: the yoga retreat in May, which was then canceled.
But even that didn’t break any of our crowns.
My thoughts, now with distance clear, even if the night dark. Sleep far away, morning near. Buenas dias. I also learned Spanish.
Thank you for the miracle, I wonder. Am ready for a Miracle. With sparkle and glitter. Have it checked by a professional next time. My tax return, too.
What good is a golden lock if you don’t feel free inside? What good is all the gold if you don’t feel rich inside?
So what does freedom mean?
Freedom begins in the mind.
Money can give you the opportunity to be mentally free from financial worries. But money cannot buy you freedom of thought. With all the money in the world, you can feel poor inside.
Freedom is a feeling in the pit of my stomach.
Stomach ache? Discomfort in the abdominal area? A tugging in the stomach? For me, the feeling of freedom has been felt in my abdomen, in my hara. A pulling, a pressing, a tightness, a heaviness. So freedom is a feeling of lightness and relaxation in my stomach area.
When I left the place and my mind calmed down after a few days and I let go. Released from the dream imagination, released from all expectations, released from the anger and grief, came a single thought:
“Now I’m free again.”
- You want to cultivate a sense of freedom?
- You want to be free from the opinions of others?
- You want to feel rich inside?
Then come to one of my yoga retreats or embark on the journey to becoming a yoga teacher.
All love ❤
Your Tami
